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11 Myths About Violence That Are Denied by Facts

Myth

Fact

Most likely the victim did something to provoke violence.

Whatever the problems in a relationship, the use of violence can never be forgiven or accepted. The use of violence can never be justified.

 

Perpetrators use intimidation and isolation techniques to control their victims. Women (and men) who are victims of violence often describe perpetrators as dual personalities. Others see them as cool guys (or wonderful women), therefore women (and men) who are victims of violence begin to believe that they have really done something provoke violence.

A true perpetrator is violent in all relationships

Quite the contrary. Perpetrators choose their victims and treat them in the way they would never treat anyone else. For them violence is a way to demonstrate power in respect of that person. In different circumstances, they may seem cool and charming co-workers, team-members, etc.

If everything was really that bad, the victim would leave the perpetrator

The time the victim decides to leave the perpetrator can be the most dangerous. Not infrequently the perpetrators threaten to kill or commit suicide. If the couple has children they may become the object of blackmailing, threatening that the woman (man) will be deprived of their parental rights as they have been found to be an inadequate parent. As years go by the perpetrator cuts off the victim’s ties to their friends, relatives, takes them out of the labour market, so they have no funds and nowhere to go.

 

The perpetrator manages to create the atmosphere of fear where leaving the relationship does not seem to be a solution.  

Domestic violence is bad, but it does not occur often

Contrary to the widespread belief, violence is not the problem of anti-social people, people belonging to social risk groups or lower-income population. Violent relationships (not necessarily physical violence) occur in “proper”, well-to-do families both in big cities and in rural areas.

Domestic violence is family business

Domestic violence is the business of everyone. Keeping violence secret serves nobody and, as has been proven, is harmful to the children, comes at a cost to society and contributes to the spreading of violence.

Domestic violence is just inability to manage one’s impulses or fits of anger

Perpetrators act purposefully and intentionally – they choose whom to be violent against. For example, the perpetrator will choose to beat his wife, but not the boss.

Domestic violence does not affect children. In fact, they don’t even notice it

Seeing violence can have a very serious negative effect on children. Even very young children understand what is happening. 

Violence is triggered by alcohol, stress and psychological problems

Although alcohol, stress, problems at work or psychological problems may go hand in hand with domestic violence, they are not the reason. Perpetrators themselves admit that they use these reasons to justify violence.

The perpetrator is jealous and controlling because they have low self-esteem and feel unsafe

In fact, it is quite the opposite – they feel special. Therefore, when the victim thinks “I will stay with them, support them and the problem will disappear”, the problem is only increasing. The perpetrator needs attention, they thrive in it, and when they do not get what they want, they punish. Because they think they have the right to, and the victim should be grateful for this relationship, for the freedom to work or not work, to have friends and so on. Violence is always justified, and guilt transferred to the victim. (“You know how to make me lose my patience”).

If the perpetrator repents and promises that this will never happen again, the violence will stop

Bad conscience and begging for forgiveness is a technique used by perpetrators to continue controlling and keeping their victims. Perpetrators rarely stop being violent.

Victims of violence belong to the type of personality that attracts perpetrators and provokes violence

Research has not found any type of personality that would define victims of violence. Violence is always the fault of the perpetrator and not the victim.